Mess on a Stick
This past weekend I went to a wedding in Adelaide. Flying out Friday evening I met up with my husband and best friend to attend the wedding then road trip the monstrously long journey back. We arrived back from the 5-day trip late yesterday afternoon. I had intended to write up Friday’s post while in the airport but anyone who has ever travelled knows that is not an environment conducive to productivity. After relinquishing my hopes of completing a post on Friday, I comforted myself that I had brought along supplies to make advances on at least the art and crafting goals that I could then post about on Monday. Words to the wise: do not try to paint while driving. . . No, I wasn’t behind the wheel but even still, cars are not the place to draw, paint or even fold origami. Wasn’t long before that idea was out the window.
I have noticed I am struggling with control issues in the last few weeks. I tend to respond to an area of my life hurtling out of my grasp by relinquishing control in all areas and if it’s bad enough, I cease to fight. I have also noticed when I am emotionally low, I struggle even more. It’s like I have even less fight in me, so it becomes even easier to want to give up entirely. As an example, my inability to complete a blog post or contribute towards the goals for the last two scheduled times had me contemplating throwing in the whole idea.
This whole project is a way for me to assert control over my life in a small, mostly frivolous way. It is to help me feel like I can imagine a thing for myself and bring it into reality. I know that seems like a really simply thing, but I have struggled with it most of my life. I could recount so many times where I set my mind to something and yet was not able to finish. I am not talking small things either. I am talking high school, degrees, jobs, careers. Some of these were in my control, somewhere so far out of my control that it sent me into a tailspin. Its easier to handle something going awry when it’s under your own control. You can dissect it, turn the situation over in your head, perform an autopsy and learn from it. It is so much worse when it is out of your control. The natural urge to understand the issue, to work out what went wrong, goes unsated. You are left with a bunch of hurt and confusion, and nothing to glean from it. It’s so easy to think there’s still something you could have done and to search long and hard for that one moment you might have been able to act differently, say something, or behave in a new way. But you never can find it. When a life changing situation is out of your control, there is nothing you can do to ease that hunger for answers, for justice, for remedy. Sometimes you just take the hit without the chance for defence or retribution and without hope of restoration. So, you are left wounded, bleeding, from someone else’s choices that had nothing to do with you.
I’m still dealing with a couple of wounds like this, still searching for a way to close them. I know this creative pursuit of mine is not a direct remedy but I am hoping that the sense of control it allows me in my life will empower me to start acting in ways to heal the old pains and become who I feel I should be. The last couple of weeks have had circumstances out of my control and have left me struggling to participate even in my own goals and creative challenge. When you add classroom considerations into this, I find I am ticking boxes and not a jot more.
Even with contemplating throwing in the towel, I will keep going. I want to know I can work hard at a thing and actually reach the end goal as intended. I don’t want to take shortcuts, make excuses for myself or simply give up too soon. I want to know I can make an idea into reality. I want to know I tried and gave it a respectable chance. Even if what I have in front of me is a mess on a stick. Tomorrow morning, I have a bit of time before class, I will see what I can make or play before I go to help me feel like I am back on track. Cause one thing I have learned from my many attempts and failures is that you can not waste time beating yourself up on what you didn’t do, you can only do what you can now.