Silence in the Storm
Trying to regain motivation after three days of doing absolutely nothing is a struggle. They do say how you take care of yourself impacts your mental outlook and wow does it ever?! After barely lifting my pounding head from a pillow for the last few days, not really eating and no real sleep, trying to feel energised and motivated felt like a massive burden. All the negative thoughts rushed in, making me feel like I would never become the person I imagine myself to be as I can’t even do simple artsy tasks. . . But there is one thing I can rely on; any form of unexpectedly timely chaos is going to energise me. Today, the city where I live (Canberra, Australia) experienced a weather change like I have never seen. After months of no rain, bush fires and overwhelming, choking smoke we had a thunderstorm that brought along golf-ball sized hail. Bare minutes passed between seeing all three kilometres to the Red Hill lookout (commonly used by me to gauge how bad the smoke visibility has been) to a full storm surrounding me. Wind gusts over 110kmph, tearing leaves off trees, filling the air with debris as the rain announced its return. Then the rain turned to hail. Outside, protected from most of it on our balcony, I still got hit from the ricochet, as hail exploded with such force around me. On a good day, thunderstorms will excite and energise me, this was something else! The 10-minute barrage resulted in abandoning all other projects and progress to go outside for a rain drenched two-hour photo mission.
This kind of chaos shocks me out of myself, out of my head. I forget my own issues as the negative self-talk gets silenced. The moment at hand is the only thing in my mind. Especially with such a fleeting, high powered phenomenon, there is little room for the contemplation and over thinking that the inner critic thrives on. All I could think about as the hail abated was that I needed to capture some of this experience. Gathering my camera and raincoat, I went out to explore, play and splash into unexpectedly deep and icy puddles. Entire trees stripped of their leaves, those leaves carpeting the roads from view, every single car outside dimpled like a teenager recovering from severe acne. Negative self-talk has no place in that kind of environment. There is so much external going on there is simply no room.
There is a quote by philosopher Rene Descartes “I think therefore I am”. His point is “I think therefore I exist”, but it is commonly misused as we are what we think. This misuse is not only an incorrect interpretation but also just incorrect. We are not what we think. Yes, without discipline, whatever thought passes through our brain will shape us, but I believe that if you try, you can take a step back from the thoughts running through our minds and become an observer to them. This is where the interesting stuff happens. If I was every thought in my brain the negative inner critic could permanently reduce me to a whimpering mess. Becoming an observer to my thoughts allows me to see those threads and look at what triggered them. Where did they come from? Is there any objective truth to them or are they simply equipped with strong emotions?
One of the things I struggle with is that these kinds of photo missions sometimes feel like cheating in the creative department. I am capturing what is already there, not exactly crafting an image. I do not get to choose lighting or even my models. Everything is already done for me; I just click the shutter. I know that is an uncharitable way of looking at it. Becoming the observer to my own thoughts allows me to take the time to be kind to myself and add more balance to the negative self-talk. I did choose the composition and which of the exposure triangle to emphasis (shutter speed, aperture or ISO). I did choose what to point the camera at and which moments to capture. I made decisions and therefore I created the image. While it still feels more like cheating than if I had worked hard to set up a studio shoot myself, or if I had created some painted masterpiece, it still is part of the creative journey and it is something I did create. Not every day needs to be filled with all the things.
The excitement of the hail and chaos that ensued allowed me a moment to ignore the inner voice telling me all the horrible things it’s been saying over the last few days. It allowed me a moment of peace to gather myself and regain an upper hand. I am grateful that for all the chaos I was able to find the silence in the storm.
THE RUNDOWN
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