Sparring with my Inner Critic
For the last two days I have managed to complete . . . zero tasks towards my goals. Yup, you heard me, not a single one. “But there are so many to choose from!”, “some of them are so small” and “you couldn’t even have done one?” I hear you ask, though truthfully it is just my inner critic.
Every one of us has an inner critic and it isn’t always a bad thing. It’s that part of us that tells us off for the stupid and silly, but also can hold us back from the brave and courageous. It’s the part of us that wants to stay in the safe, comfortable and known. It like predictability and routine. It is concerned with appropriate. It’s the part of us that hears our childlike impulses of “maybe I would like to fly a kite today” and responded with “you are in your thirties, stop being so silly” (No? just me?). The inner critic is like the adult part of us that helps us behave appropriately, fit into society, be a grown up. But the flip side is that it responds to new, unknown and childlike with fear. The “what ifs” are its main weapon. What if it sucks? What if someone sees me? What if I get caught blowing bubbles from the third storey window while I’m trying to see how far they will fall before they pop? What if I throw myself into a ball pit made up of 300 balloons for a photo shoot? You know, general things we all do. The inner critic is excellent at logic, using it to convince us that if it doesn’t serve a larger picture (career, relationships, goals) then it is unworthy. And for the most part, we need our inner critic so we can survive. The inner critic is the one that tells me off when I have a bill coming up that I need to pay and have been procrastinating, or that says I need to stop going on photo missions and get groceries. It seeks control, order, predictability, logic and planning, working to prevent harm by curtailing any surprises coming for us. But what happens when we only listen to the inner critic?
The creative part of us is the part fascinated by the new and unknown. It is curious and adventurous. It is the childlike part of us that just wants to play. Our creative side uses those same “what ifs” questions as tools. What I add chocolate chips to these oatmeal cookies? What if I want to add this sparkly ribbon to that hat? What if I add butterscotch candy into a candyfloss machine (which I highly recommend doing)? What if I take an old piano apart and turn it into a TV cabinet? (Just me again?) This is the part that take two things and sees how they can fit. This is the part that cares more about the trying than the result. This is the exploration, the play, the now. The creative self thrives on freedom, new, surprising, unexplored, messy, spontaneous.
When the inner critic is dominant, a person misses out on so much fun. They never experience things ‘just cause’ or for the pure joy of the moment. It’s like they have taken their inner child and locked it in a box never to be let out because the stuffy grown up doesn’t trust it near the fine china. The flip side is, when the childlike side is dominant, they don’t pay bills, don’t eat healthy, don’t look after themselves and are no longer a functioning member of society. It is best when both parts can work together and give each other space. When the inner critic can be the grown up and say, “enough play, let’s get these chores done” and the creative self can say “enough work, let’s play and enjoy life”. You don’t have to abandon responsibilities to indulge the creative side. But neither should it be ignored just because your chronological measurements get past a certain number. What’s the point of earning all that money if you don’t get to play with what it brings? Children don’t need money to indulge their creative selves. Sure, it helps they don’t have to worry about affording food and bills, but they are free in their creativity, not worrying how it might be received, or if its good enough. One of the most beautiful moments I have been privileged to witness is my niece on the deck outside her home singing and dancing for a good ten minutes. She was making up the lyrics and melody as she was going along, twirling and prancing with no orderly choreography but fully enjoying her moment in the sunshine. She was not worried about how she looked or if it was good or not. And that is what made it so good! You couldn’t package that or put it on a stage and sell tickets, but it was beautiful and priceless (and Aunty got video). Creativity is too serious to be taken seriously.
So, two days into a typical (for me at least) three-day migraine, and the greatest achievement I have made is managing to squeeze in two naps today. Normally this would have derailed me. My inner critic (as usual) has gone into overdrive and has been trying to scold me for not being able to manage even one task. It’s been saying all sorts of mean things trying to scare me away from this adventure into the creative unknown. “See? I told you that you can’t do this. You aren’t even two weeks into this, and you have had to take two whole days off?!” (Inner critics may use rationale and logic but also will ignore legitimate reasons such as crippling headaches if it suits them).
But I planned for it this time. I knew this was coming. This time I gave myself space to be human, to have my non-functioning days. This time I will not let my inner critic convince me this is failure and a reason to put away my childlike creative self in a box.
THE RUNDOWN
Writing - Blog: 3776
Everything else - no change